Cracked Thor
by Myth Queen
Summary: A crackfic parody of Thor , in which Loki is banished to earth with Thor. Included inside: Thor eats crunchy pancakes, Loki makes friends with a beloved cartoon character, Frigga goes on a banishing binge, two couples get married, lots of Jotuns get socks stuffed in their mouths and then drop-kicked off the side of a cliff, random quotes from different movies, and IQ loss. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**Thanks to Marvel-Tolkien Fangirl for her help, encouragement, and reassurances that I'm not completely insane.**

**Jon-Bob is the only character that makes an appearance that is mine, and seeing as how he's inspired by the frog in The Swan Princess I'm not sure he's actually mine.**

**Please enjoy and try not to lose too many brain cells.**

**#**

Thor stood smugly at the giant blue monster he had just killed fell off the ledge of ice into the carnivorous canyon below. His smile faded as he saw the army of Frost Giants gather around, all looking immense and deadly. He rejoined his friends and the young Asgardians readied themselves for the final battle of their lives.

Laufey's lips curled in a sneering snarl as he stared down at the tiny beings. "At last, Odin and Asgard will pay!" he cried, leaping forward, striking at Thor.

Just at that moment, there was a burst of color and light that descended from the sky. The giants shrank back, shielding their eyes. Thor shouted for joy as Odin appeared, golden armour gleaming, sitting astride his huge eight-legged horse. The horse reared back and whinnied impressively, and then looked around for a sugar cube.

"Father! We'll finish-"

Suddenly Loki interrupted. "Father! I have some very serious questions to talk to you about!"

"Hey, I was talking," Thor said.

"Not now, Loki," Odin said to Loki, and then to Thor, "Silence!" Thor walked over to the edge of the cliff, sat down and started pouting. Odin then turned to Laufey. "These were the actions of a boy."

"You look tired, Allfather," Laufey replied, concerned. "When was the last time you had a decent sleep? You know, when I can't sleep I have a glass of nice, warm milk. It works wonders. I sleep like a baby."

"Oh, insomnia is not the problem. I've been putting it off," Odin explained, "so that at just the right moment I can fall asleep for a good, long while and ruin my boy's lives."

Laufey wrinkled his nose. "Personally, I like the abandonment path myself, but whatever works for you, I guess."

"I WILL NOT BE IGNORED!" Loki shouted jumping up onto a large snow bank and waving his arms around dramatically.

"Such bad grammar. Two exclamation marks!" Sif sniffed haughtily.

Loki glared at her. "Shut up or I'll cut off your hair!"

Sif tried to hide behind Thor, who was still pouting, but since he was sitting down it didn't work so well, so instead she hid behind Volstagg, clutching at her hair protectively.

"You'd look good bald," Laufey said to Sif.

"Really?" Sif beamed, dragging her fingers through her raven locks.

"Yep," Laufey said. "Hair just gets in the way."

"I have been thinking about getting it cut-"

"Excuse me, I was talking," Loki said politely.

"Oh, all right. What do you want, Loki?" Odin sighed wearily.

"My hand!" Loki shouted, waving around said hand. "My hand turned blue!"

"Uh oh," Odin muttered. His horse, realising that no sugar cubes were forthcoming, went and started pouting with Thor.

Loki kept waving his hand around, as if that would keep the attention on him. It wasn't really working, as only Odin was listening. Hogun and Vostagg had begun an thumb war, and the frost giants were gathering around them to egg them off.

"A frost giant grabbed my hand and it turned blue," Loki said to Odin. "Then he released it because I stabbed him and it turned pink again. Father, I'm scared!"

"There, there, Loki, you're just imagining things."

"I don't believe it," Loki insisted, and then turned to a nearby Frost Giant, Jon-Bob. "Hold my hand."

"Okay," Jon-Bob said happily, grabbing Loki's hand. Volstagg and Hogun stopped their thumb war so that everybody could watch as Loki's hand turned blue. Jon-Bob let go, and it became pink again. Blue, pink, blue, pink, blue-

"I am not Aurora's dress!" Loki snapped, and Jon-Bob, his feelings hurt, went and pouted with Thor and Odin's eight-legged horse.

"Am I cursed?" Loki looked at Odin, his lip trembling.

"No," Odin said gently, thinking about how nice it would have been to have this conversation in the weapons vault. "You're my son."

"The casket wasn't the only thing you took from here that day, was it?" Loki demanded, getting angry.

"Nope, I found you in the temple as a baby and decided to take you back to Asgard so that one day I could come back, kill Laufey and make you king of Jotunheim and then we'd have eternal peace!"

"You want to kill me?" Laufey wailed. "What did I ever do to you?"

"Whoa, whoa wait a minute!" Loki wailed. "You mean I'm Laufey's son?"

"You most certainly are not!" Laufey exclaimed in disgust. "I would never have a kid as small as you."

"Yes, you would," a nearby frost giant reminded him. "I remember. The midwives were like 'Here's your kid' and you were all 'Ew it's small get it away from me!' and then-"

"Thank you, that's enough!" Laufey shoved a sock into the frost giant's mouth and then drop-kicked him off the cliff.

Loki stared in horror at Odin. "Why didn't you tell me? Because I'm the monster children tell their parents about at night?"

"We'll finish them together!" Thor shouted suddenly, having got his mojo back after crying with Jon-Bob.

"Excuse me, hate to interrupt, but I'm sort of bleeding to death here," Fandrel said politely as he quietly bled to death.

"Shut up!" Odin snapped at him. "Laufey, we don't have to go to war."

"You just said that you want to kill me!" Laufey exclaimed.

"I am nothing more than a stolen relic!" Loki sobbed.

"You poked out my eye!" Odin shouted.

"I'm hungry!" Volstagg complained.

Laufey folded his arms. "You stopped me from making an ice-playground for the kids out of earth."

"I want to fight!" Thor shouted.

"There are people on earth," Odin tried to explain.

"Bor-ring!" Sif sighed.

"Yeah, sure, if you call humans people!" Laufey scoffed.

Hogun looked grim.

"That's it. We're going to war!" Odin shouted. "But first, we're going back to Asgard. See you!"

"Hey kid," Laufey said to Thor, "tell your mom hi from me, okay?"

"No, that's creepy," Thor replied.

"Bye!" the frost giants all waved as the bifrost descended and took the Asgardians away.

#

All right, here's my uploading schedule for Cracked Thor;

This Chapter: - Today! (April 10)

Chapter Two – April 13

Chapter Three – April 16

Chapter Four – April 19

Chapter Five – April 22

Chapter Six – April 25

Chapter Seven – April 28

Chapter Eight – May 1

Chapter Nine – May 4

Chapter Ten – May 7

Last Chapter – May 10


	2. Chapter 2

"Take him to the healing rooms!" Odin snapped, throwing Heimdall's sword at him. The gatekeeper shrugged and moseyed away as Volstagg and Hogun hurried to drag the unconscious Fandrel away. Sif briefly grabbed Thor's arm.

"I thought you were really brave," she whispered, and then skipped off after the others, singing about the circle of life.

Loki went and started crying in the corner. Odin and Thor ignored him.

"You deliberately disobeyed me!" Odin said angrily, looking down at Thor with deep disappointment.

Thor looked at his feet, feeling very sad. He wished that there was a lot of tall grass waving around so that he could hide in it. "I was just trying to be brave, like you."

"Thor, being brave doesn't mean that you go looking for trouble," Odin put his hand on Thor's shoulder, softening his voice, but the disappointment was even worse than the anger. "You've forgotten everything I taught you."

Thor pretended that he had something in his eye. "Everybody is laughing at me. Nobody respects me like they do you. I'm the laughing stock of the universe! That frost giant called me 'princess' and that's highly insulting to a manly man of my manliness."

"Your mother would have a thing or two to say about your attitude, young man," Odin said sternly. "Maybe we should all call you princess for a few years until you learn not to be so sexist when it comes to delicate women."

Thor frowned. "Isn't calling women delicate sexist?"

"Don't you talk back to me!" Odin shouted, which made Thor angry.

"You're an old fool!" he shouted.

Odin hung his head and looked sad. "Yes, I am and old fool. And that is why you are banished! I take from you your power-"

Loki had stopped crying, and instead was contemplating the meaning of life, the universe and everything. 43 was a really good number, but what was the question? Suddenly he realising that there was some important stuff going down, and decided to interrupt. "Father-" he started.

Odin heaved out a sigh and turned to him. "Loki, I'm busy banishing your brother, can't it wait?"

"Um, not really," Loki replied. "I guess it could wait, but really, now is the best time to say it because I don't want you to just banish Thor."

"All right. What do you want?"

"I just wanted to say that I provoked Thor into going to Jotunheim on purpose, but-"

"What?" Thor interrupted. "I thought you were my friend."

Loki looked ashamed. "It's just that you're an arrogant jerk, how could I let you become king right away?"

"Oh, okay then."

"So did you let the Jotuns into the weapons vault earlier today as well?" At Loki's nod, Odin thought for a moment. After stroking his beard thoughtfully, the boy's father nodded with satisfaction. "And that is why you are also banished! I take from you your power-" Thor and Loki's armour both stripped from them, breaking off in little bits like a fish slowly exploding, which is a disgusting image but that's what it looked like, all right? Odin continued. "And I cast you out!"

He activated the bifrost, and in a burst of light and colour sent Thor and Loki both through the portal as they wailed and flailed. After they were safely deposited on earth, Odin turned off the bifrost and stretched.

"Not bad for a day's parenting, banishing both boys at once," he said with a satisfied nod. "That'll teach them for not getting me '#1 Dad' mugs for Father's day."

Whistling happily, Odin walked back up the rainbow bridge, because he had left his eight-legged horse in Jotunheim without realising it. Which was okay, because that horse would name himself Spider-horse and run around Jotunheim shooting webs out of his hooves and rescuing regular four-legged horses from terrible situations such as eating too many sugar cubes. Anyway, back to Odin. When he got to the palace, he saw Frigga standing on the front porch, her arms folded, looking very put out.

"Hello, dear," Odin said happily.

Frigga sucker punched him in the gut as he tried to kiss her cheek. "What the heck were you thinking? You banished both our kids! _WITHOUT EVEN LETTING ME SAY GOODBYE!"_

"Now, dear, calm down with the exclamation marks, you're teaching Loki bad grammatical habits," Odin said, backing up nervously and wondering how quickly the guards could come rescue him if his wife decided that she would rather be a widow than a wife.

"I'm not teaching him anything because you just banished him to earth! A place full of mortals and reality television!" Frigga shrieked. "Bring them back now!"

Odin forget to be afraid. "No! I am king, I won't bring them back. They need to learn their lesson."

"What lesson? That you don't love them?"

Odin rolled his eyes. "Yeah, like they're going to think that. Oh, I almost forgot. Whosoever has Thor's hammer, if he behaves the way I think he should, is awesome cool powerful." Odin threw Thor's hammer back towards the bifrost. "Well, I'm off for some shut-eye! Wake me up if Laufey tries to break in and slaughter me in my sleep. Love you, dear."

"Love you, too," Frigga replied, kissing his cheek. "Have a good nap."


	3. Chapter 3

"Father hates me!" Loki sobbed as he landed on earth in the middle of the dust storm. He sat down, put his head in his hands and began to weep and lament loudly.

"There, there, Loki," Thor said, pulling his brother back to his feet, trying to seem comforting while really he was just embarrassed by Loki's crying. "Father doesn't hate us. He's just disappointed and wants us to learn a lesson. Remember, everything Father does is always for a purpose."

"Then why did he send us here to DIE?" Loki exclaimed.

"We're not going to die-"

Just then, a large metal beast rammed into the two of them as two women fought over which radio station to listen to. They went flying gracefully through the air and dust and landed with loud thumps on the hard ground. The stars whirled around above them, and then both of them died.

"We are not dead," Thor grumbled to Loki, a little dazed but still able to hear Loki softly narrating what was going on.

"Are they dead?" a woman's voice shouted.

"Yes!" Loki replied loudly.

"That's your fault!" the woman shouted, and then another woman replied. "Shut up, Darcy, and get the first aid kit."

A beautiful woman kneeled beside Thor, gathering his face in her cool, soft hands. Her silky brown hair wafted gently around her angelic face in a cool breeze. As Thor gazed at her, he something he had never felt before. A kind of light and warmth starting in his heart and spreading through his extremities. If she was a Valkeryie come to take him to Valhalla, then he would be more than willing to go. He ignored the fact that his brother was lying only a few feet away, dead-

"Loki, stop that!" Thor shouted as the woman helped him sit up. "Yes, her hands are cool and soft, and she is as beautiful as any Valkeryie could ever be, but I don't have heartburn and you're not dead!"

Loki shrugged, and remained where he was lying. Thor got to his feet.

"I'm Jane," the woman said, smiling.

"I'm Thor." Thor kissed her hand, which made he giggle, and then he started wandering around in a circle. "Where's my hammer?"

"Dude, we can see that you're hammered," the other woman, Darcy, said, lugging with her a first-aid kit. "I totally know CPR, lie back down and pretend to be dead."

"Hammer! Heimdall! Open the bifrost."

"It's no use," Loki said dejectedly. "They're not listening."

"I wanna go home!" Thor shouted, looking up at the sky.

Loki folded his hands over his chest, as though he was lying in a coffin. "Look at you, the mighty Thor!" he said with far less malice than what he should have been talking with. In fact, he just sounded depressed. "With all your strength, and what good does it do you now, huh? We're banished. BANISHED! You hear me, brother! There's nothing you can do!"

"Are you all right, Loki?" Thor said.

"I'm fine."

"All right." Thor started running around shouting for his hammer again.

Suddenly a lousy professor showed up. Pointing at all the characters, the lousy professor shouted, "You all suck! I am the best, and I eat five hundred pounds of celery for breakfast, which is why I only weigh two ounces! Bwahahahaha!"

"You're stupid," Thor said, and Darcy and Jane hog-tied the lousy professor and threw said lousy professor out of this fic. Loki cast a spell after the lousy professor that from now on, all celery turned into icecream whenever it came within three meters of the lousy professor. And you're right that was very theraputic, even though the Chitauri didn't kill the lousy professor.

"I'm Erik Selvig, since nobody asked," Erik Selvig said, upset that nobody had asked who he was. "And both of you are crazy!"

"I want my hammer back!" Thor wailed. "You, strange comic relief woman, what realm is this? Nornhiem? Niefielhiem? Someotherplacehiem? Disneyworldhiem?"

"New Mexico, and you're freaking me out," Darcy replied, pulling out her tazer and tazing Thor.

"Hey, that looks like fun, can you taze me, too?" asked Loki hopefully.

"Why would I taze you?" Darcy asked, wrinkling her nose in disgust as she looked at him.

"Because I asked you to. I can be crazy, too!" Loki jumped to his feet and ran around, flapping his arms. "Use the Force, Luke, I am your father!"

Darcy shrugged and tazed him.

"What?" she said as Jane and Erik glared at her. She holstered her tazer. "I'm a comical character with violent tendencies. 'Sides, I like tazers."

"You could have waited until they were in the van," Erik grumbled, picking Loki up and throwing him over one shoulder and then throwing Thor over his other shoulder. He stalked over to the van and tossed them in, while Jane arranged pillows and blankets around Thor. Darcy got a marker and drew a mustache on Loki's face.

"Let's take them to the hospital," Erik said.

"No, I want to stay here and run tests," Jane replied.

Darcy drew glasses on Loki's face.

"Darcy, stop that, we don't know where he's been," Erik scolded and then turned to Jane. "All right, go run your tests, we'll just wait here.

And unbeknownst to them, a hammer flew out of the sky, landing a few miles to the north, while nothing of Loki's got sent through. Because he doesn't have a specific, notable weapon like Thor does. Poor Loki.


	4. Chapter 4

Quite a while after Darcy tazed them, Thor and Loki woke up in the hospital to see doctors and nurses standing ominously over them, holding harpoon-like needles. One of the doctors smiled, trying to look reassuring but with the vampire fangs he wore, the smile certainly had the opposite effect of what was intended. "Hey there! We're just going to take a little bit of blood, okay?"

He took a harpoon-needle from one of the nurses. His grin widened, eyes taking on a maniacal gleam.

"How dare you threaten the sons of Odin!" Thor shouted, instantly beginning to struggle.

"Go ahead and take my blood," Loki sighed despondently. "Take it all. Use it to feed vampires, just don't let them drink it too fast or they'll get brain freeze because I'm a mini frost giant!"

Nobody listened to him. They were all too busy getting beaten up by Thor. The god of thunder shouted and roared, smacking people in the face. Security came running and pinned him to the wall.

"You cannot harm the-"

But just as Thor's dramatic statement was going to be comically cut off by the doctor sticking a needle into his butt, Jane, Darcy and Erik rushed into the room. They stopped in the doorway, staring in horror at the carnage that had been wracked upon the hospital room.

"Stop!" Jane Foster shouted, her musical voice echoing in the small space, stretching out her hand towards the doctors, her hair fanning out behind her in an invisible breeze.

Thor stopped struggling instantly and stared at the beautiful angel.

"Er... thanks," Jane said awkwardly. "There's been a terrible misunderstanding. These guys aren't crazy at all, in fact their vital parts of my research."

"But we can't let them go except to family," the fanged doctor replied, the needle inching towards Thor's bottom because doctors just love to stick needles into people's butts and make them go unconscious for no reason whatsoever, especially doctors with vampire fangs. Now, you may be wondering if this guy really is a vampire, but I assure you he is not because vampires aren't real. I know, it's hard to believe, but trust me, I know. How do I know, you ask? I read it on the internet, and you can trust everything you read on the internet, I saw it on TV.

"We are family," Jane said. "The big blonde one is, uh, my husband."

"Really?" Thor said, surprised. "I don't remember that. Did we go to Vegas?"

"Uh, sure," Jane said awkwardly.

"Why don't you have rings?" the doctor asked suspiciously.

"Because, uh, Darcy ate them."

"They tasted good!" Darcy added.

"And what about me?" Loki said with interest. "Am I somebody's husband?"

"Ew, no! You're my brother," Darcy said quickly.

"Oh," Loki said with disappointment. "Can I take off these glasses now?"

"Sure."

Loki took off the glasses that Darcy had drawn in his face. "Thanks, that's better."

"Well, I suppose since you're all related, I'll have to let them go," the doctor said with a sigh. "Let them go!"

And so Loki and Thor were released from the hospital and the whole group went back to the building that Jane had all of her weird science crap set up in. Jane got Thor some new clothes that belonged to her ex while Darcy gave Loki some of her clothes. Loki didn't like them, and opted to raid Erik's wardrobe instead. And then they all sat down to eat some pancakes. Except Loki, who went and stood by the window.

"Is he okay?" Jane asked, looking worried as the mischief maker sighed in a very loud, sad manner, holding two orange slices eye at eye level.

"He's fine," Thor said distractedly, digging into his fifth stack of pancakes.

Loki burst into tears, burying his head in his arms.

"Okay, if you say he's all right, then he must be all right." Jane turned back to Thor and stared at him happily. "Do you want more pancakes?"

"Another!" Thor shouted, smashing the plate over his head and eating the pieces. "Yummy yummy in my tummy! This crunchy pancake is the best one!"

Jane stared. Darcy took a picture, and then she walked over to Loki, who was still sobbing into his arms. "Hey, you!"

Loki didn't respond.

Darcy poked him. "Hey!"

"Ihvmm."

Darcy looked at Loki for a moment and then poked him again. "Hey!"

"I have a name," Loki muttered, lifting his face from his arms. He attempted to glare at Darcy for a moment, but he couldn't stop crying.

"Oh, man up and quit whining!" Darcy rolled her eyes. "Here, I got you a present."

That made Loki stop crying. "A present? Just for me? Wow! That's so nice of you. Wait-" Loki glared suspiciously. "Is it going to blow up?"

"No," Darcy said, pulling a bag out from behind her back. She handed it to Loki, and Loki held it to his ear and shook it roughly.

"Oooo! It makes noise!" he exclaimed happily. "Thank you, comedic woman! I have never had such a wonderful bag before!" But the truth was, he looked rather disappointed. He had plenty of bags in Asgard, what did he need this one for? It wasn't even a pretty one.

"Look inside it, silly," Darcy said.

"Oh." Loki looked in the bag. His brow furrowed. "What is it?"

"Well, you're always whining and being gloomy, so I thought I'd get you a gloom-buddy," Darcy pulled out the stuffed animal that was in the bag.

Loki hugged his gloom-buddy to his chest tightly. "But what is it? It looks like a diseased horse."

"Haven't you ever seen Winnie-the-Pooh? This is Eeyore. "

"How are you, Eeyore?" Loki asked, and then mimicking a really gloomy voice answered. "Just as bad as you, Loki. We're going to be best friends because nobody else likes us and we have no choice." Loki blinked away fresh tears and hugged Eeyore. "There, there, it doesn't matter, because I love you."

"I love you, too," Eeyore replied.

"Okay, that's disturbing," Darcy said, backing away slowly.

Erik suddenly came rushing into the room. "Look what I got!" he shouted happily.

"What?" everybody asked in unison.

"I have a jar of dirt! I have a jar of dirt!" Erik sang, waving said jar of dirt around over his head. "And guess what's inside it!"

"Davy Jone's heart!" Jane exclaimed.

"A musical parade!" Thor guessed.

"The bricks from the tower of babel!" Darcy shouted.

"43!" Loki said.

Erik looked at them as though they were mad. "No. Dirt."

Nobody was very interested in a jar of dirt that just had dirt inside of it, and so turned their backs on Erik, who chuckled evilly and rubbed his hand together as though he was plotting something, which of course he wasn't, he just wanted their attention again but it didn't work.

"Loki, come have a crunchy pancake, they're yummy!" Thor exclaimed, eating all the plates.

"Okay," Loki said happily, rushing over to join his brother with breaking plates over his head and eating the pieces.

"That is so hot," Jane sighed dreamily, staring at Thor.


	5. Chapter 5

"When we go home, I can show you all sorts of magic tricks," Loki said to Eeyore as the donkey sat on the table, staring glumly outside.

"I'd like that, Loki," Eeyore said, "because you're my best friend."

"You're my best friend, too," Loki replied.

There was a knock on the door.

"What was that?" Loki cried in alarm.

"There's somebody at the door," Eeyore said.

"Oh."

Gathering Eeyore under one arm, Loki bounded over to it and opened it. There on the step stood a rather lovely young woman, if one considered silky-soft sunlit-golden hair and starlit blue eyes beautiful, which Loki did. His jaw dropped and he stared at the woman.

"Hellllllo nurse!" Eeyore exclaimed.

"Excuse me?" the woman said, staring incredulously at Loki. "I'm not a nurse."

"It was Eeyore, not me," Loki said, holding up the stuffed donkey as proof.

The woman's brow furrowed. "All right. Whatever. I'm here to see Thor."

Loki's shoulders slumped. "Of course you are. All the girls just want to see Thor. Nobody ever wants to see me."

"You're too late, lovely lady, because Thor already has got a girlfriend that he met like three hours ago. They're completely in love, so you won't stand a chance," Eeyore said. "But my best friend Loki here is completely single and he's quite the catch."

"I'm actually not really looking for a girlfriend today," Loki said. "Come back tomorrow."

As Loki went to shut the door, the woman stuck her foot in the way. "I'm not looking for a boyfriend, you creepy little donkey! I am Jord."

"Oh, Jord!" Loki and Eeyore exclaimed at the same time. "Well, that changes everything!" They stood and stared at the woman for a moment. "Who is Jord?"

"Who is Jord?" Jord exclaimed. "Excuse me? I think the question is who are YOU! We're in a war, man! There's no time for stupid questions. I should have your hat for that, snatch it right off your head. But I'm feeling gratious today, so carry on before I report you."

"We're not in a war," Loki said, confused. "And I'm not even wearing a hat."

Just then, Thor and the others came back. Thor was carrying a big box of plates. "Brother!" he shouted happily. "Come see! They sell crunchy pancakes by the box!" He set the box down, and began to smash the plates over his head and eat them.

"You know, those aren't actually crunchy pancakes," Darcy tried to say.

"How would you know? You're just the comic relief!" Thor replied, rather rudely.

"Thor!" Jord exclaimed, running in and throwing her arms around the god of thunder. "It's so good to see you, after all these years."

Thor looked at the young woman nervously. "Sorry, lady, but I've already got a girlfriend."

"Loki's single!" Eeyore piped up. "You should date him."

Jord glared at Eeyore, and then turned back to Thor. "Don't be silly, my sweet boy, I'm your mother!"

"No, you're not!" Thor exclaimed very loudly. He backed up against the wall and dramatic church organ music started to play. "My mother is Frigga! She's always been my mother. You can't take that away from me! We just found out that Loki was stolen/adopted from Jotunheim, and now you're telling me that my mom isn't my mom? I hate you! Go away!"

Jord stared at Thor is heartbreak and disbelief. "But I gave birth to you."

"There, there," Eeyore said, "I'm sure you must be feeling like having a good cry, and my friend Loki here has an excellent shoulder to cry on."

"Eeyore, stop that!" Loki scolded. "If she's Thor's mother that means that she's crazy old."

"What is age when it's true love?" Eeyore said slyly. "Besides, you're immortal."

Loki thought on it a moment and shrugged. "True enough."

Jord opened her mouth to protest, but then stopped and took a good look at Loki. He was a little on the young side, but on the other hand she looked like she was younger than him. Loki saw her looking and winked. Jord flushed and turned away. "Anyway, back to what I was here to say. Thor, I am your mother."

"I don't want you to be my mother," Thor mumbled, tears welling in his eyes.

"There, there," Loki said, patting Thor on the back. "This is a lot to take in for all of us."

Thor nodded.

"I have an idea," Eeyore said. "Why doesn't Loki take Jord out somewhere to get to know her, and then he can come back and tell Thor all about her, and Thor can decide whether or not he wants to accept her as his mother!"

"Hang on," Darcy said with a frown. "If Loki is Thor's adopted brother, and this Jord here is Thor's birth mother, if they get married, Loki would be both Thor's adopted brother and his step-father."

"And you've just ruined any possibility for Jord and Loki to find true love before facing such creepy facts!" Eeyore exclaimed angrily. "I'm never speaking to you again!"

"Fine by me," Darcy muttered.

Eeyore started to cry.

"Why are you crying, Loki?" Thor asked in concern. "I'm the one who just found out that Father has lied to me my whole life!"

"I'm not crying, Eeyore is!" Loki snapped.

"You know what, this is all very crazy and kinda creepy. I'm leaving," Jord said, and she quickly ran away.


	6. Chapter 6

Laufey slouched on his ice-throne, tossing cars into a cap some distance away. All around him, the frost giants were trying not to be bored. A few were playing scrabble, others were painting, and Jon-Bob was reading _Twilight_ and Charles Dicken's _David Copperfield_ at the same time.

"Hey boss," he said, looking up. "I had a thought. That pink-blue-pink kid is a prince of Asgard, right? So if he really was your kid and Odin and Thor kicked the bucket, your son would become king of Asgard. But I guess that's a moot point, because he's not your kid because you'd never have a kid that small. But, anyway, they're taking the hobbits to Isengard."

Laufey sat up straight. "What did you say?"

"They're taking the hobbits to Isengard."

"No, before that."

"I said hey boss-"

"I heard what you said!" Laufey jumped to his feet and began to pace around in circles. "My son, the king of Asgard? I could so work with that!"

"But he's not your kid, you said so," Jon-Bob replied, confused.

Laufey rolled his eyes. "That was before I realised that my blood could rule Asgard!"

"That sounds messy."

"This is perfect!" Laufey exclaimed. "But I need to get rid of Odin. How shall I do it? I know, I'll turn him into a flea, a harmless little flea. Then I'll put that flea in a box, and that box in another box, and then I'll mail that box to myself and when it arrived, A-HA-HA-HA! I'll smash it with a hammer! It's brilliant, brilliant, brillaint, I tell you! Pure genius, I say!"

"But how are you going to turn Odin into a flea?" the only frost giant who had been listening asked, and Laufey shoved a sock into his mouth and drop-kicked him off a cliff.

"Don't talk back to me!"

Laufey clapped his hands loudly to get everybody's attention. Nobody looked at him, not even Jon-Bob who had gone back to reading his books. Laufey cleared his throat, and then starting kicking and screaming, throwing himself down on the ground and shrieking for all he was worth. When he stopped and stood up, he was pleased to see that everybody was looking at him.

And then he realised why. While he stood, he saw that an Asgardian had strolled right into the center of the palace's crumbling court. But not just any Asgardian! No, this was Frigga, Queen of Asgard. Laufey nervously brushed down his clothes.

"And that's how to kill a mega-giant-scary monster!" he exclaimed, hoping that his subjects would play along. There were some general murmurings.

"Oh, goody!" Jon-Bob said. "I was so scared of mega-giant-scary monsters before, but know I know how to kill them! Throw a temper tantrum."

Laufey glared at Jon-Bob and stuffed a sock in his mouth, but Jon-Bob ran away before he could be drop-kicked off a cliff.

"Well, lovely, beautiful, radiant queen of Asgard," Laufey said with a wide smile at Frigga. "What can I do for you today?"

"Cut the crap, Laufey, I'm not running away with you."

"Oh," Laufey said, disappointed. He stopped trying to suck in his beer gut. "What do you want, then?"

"I'm looking for answers. You see, as soon as Odin brought my boys back to Asgard, he banished them and then went and took a nap. I just want to know what happened here."

"Why didn't you ask the other Asgardians who came with them?" a nearby frost giant asked, only to have a sock shoved into his mouth and then Laufey drop-kicked him off the edge of a cliff.

"Don't insult the beautiful queen of Asgard! Now, my dear, sweet, lovely lady," Laufey said sadly. "Here, take a seat and I'll tell you everything."

Frigga rolled her eyes. "Seriously? Dude, I'm married."

"I could always sneak into Asgard and kill him," Laufey offered. "And then you'd be a widow, no longer married."

"I don't want to be a widow."

"Then you can marry me and you'd be a wife again!" Laufey exclaimed happily. "It's all set, I'll call my mother-"

"NO!" Frigga shouted. "I AM NOT MARRYING YOU, YOU CREEP!"

Laufey cringed. "Okay," he whimpered. "Your hair looks lovely, by the way. I've been thinking of getting a wig, myself-"

Frigga bent down, gathered up a bunch of snow, packed it into a snowball, and then threw it right into Laufey's eye. "STOP WITH THE FLIRTING!"

"Oh, all right!" Laufey sat down, trying not to sulk.

"Thank you," Frigga said sweetly, taking her own seat. "Now, tell me what happened."

"There was a fight, I was preparing to kill your kids, and then Odin showed up and we chatted, and your boy Loki found out that he's my abandoned son and there was a lot of shouting, and then Odin left and took all the Asgardians with him. Oh, and he forgot his horse, which has been causing a lot of problems here. It's named itself Spider-Horse and runs around stealing sugar cubes from the other horses."

But Frigga wasn't interested in Spider-Horse. She frowned heavily. "My poor little boy! First he finds out that this big jerk is his biodad, and then Odin goes and banishes him to earth!"

"Banished?" Laufey exclaimed in surprise. "When?"

"Right after they got back to Asgard, I told you that."

"I was too distracted by your beauty, Queen Frigga."

Frigga folded her arms and glared at him.

"Er-" Laufey said. "Nevermind. So Odin banished Loki?'

"And Thor."

"Where?"

"Earth," Frigga said, spitting out the name. "Earth, of all places! It's disgusting!"

"It certainly is," Laufey said, and began laughing like an evil egomaniac. "But it is perfect for my plans! They are on earth, helpless and undefended! I shall send a taskforce there to slaughter Thor and bring Loki back here to tell him a really biased and untruthful view of what happened when Odin took him away, making it sound like I'd a great dad who was just trying to protect him, of course, and then I will-"

"Excuse me, you might not want to reveal your evil plans to me," Frigga interrupted, and then looked at her watch. "After all, I'm the queen of Asgard. Wait! I'm the queen of Asgard! With Odin asleep and the boys banished, that means I have ultimate power! That means I can bring my boys back!"

"But that will mess up my plans!" Laufey wailed, but Frigga ignored him.

"Thanks for the chat, Laugh-a-lot, but I'd best get back to Asgard."

"She called me Laugh-a-lot!" Laufey exclaimed happily as Frigga went back to Asgard.


	7. Chapter 7

Loki and Thor were glumly eating crunchy pancakes together when a man in a suit came walking into the room. He glanced at his associates, and they all began to gather up the human's belongings. Thor and Loki watched with interest until Jane, Darcy and Erik came walking in. Jane screamed in terror and began rushing around trying to get her stuff back.

"I'm Agent Phil Coulson, and I have to take your stuff because we don't trust you yet," Coulson said, smiling proudly.

"You can't take my stuff!" Jane shrieked, rushing around to try to grab her stuff back.

"Yes, I can." Coulson said. "All I have to do is think of a wonderful thought."

"Any happy little thought?" Erik and Jane said in unison.

"Uh-huh!"

"Like toys at Christmas?" Jane asked.

"Sleigh bells?" Erik added. "Snow?"

Coulson nodded. "Yep! Watch me now, here I go. It's easier than pie."

Jane was super excited. "He can fly!"

"He can fly?" Erik repeated.

"He's stealing our stuff! My ipod!" Darcy wailed as Coulson stole her ipod. "Hey, do you want my number, too?"

Thor stood up and walked over to Coulson, clutching his lunch protectively to his chest. "Agent Coulson, are you going to take the crunchy pancakes, too?"

Coulson stared at him. "Those are plates."

"They're yummy!" Loki exclaimed, and Eeyore nodded.

"Okay. Whatever." Coulson rolled his eyes. "No, we're not taking the crunchy pancakes, you can keep them."

"Thank you!" Thor said, happily going back to eating the plates.

"Jane, let it go!" Erik said, grabbing stuff from Jane and handing it to the agents that were taking stuff away from them. "These people could be dangerous!"

"We certainly want you to think so right now," Coulson agreed.

Loki put Eeyore down on the table and went to look out the window. He began to compose a poem about crunchy pancakes.

"So, I have a feeling that the two of you aren't from around here," Coulson said to Thor and Loki. "I know that because of the strange stuff that's been happening, and you think plates are crunchy pancakes. Care to tell me where you're from?"

"They're from around here!" Erik interrupted. "They're Donald Blake, and... um... er... ah... Tom Lewis!"

"Tom Lewis?" Loki repeated, turning around. "If I was human, I'd be Tom Hiddleston, not Tom Lewis. You're crazy, Selvig."

"Oh, well if you say that they're from around here, they must be from around here," Coulson said with a shrug. "Hey, cool ipod! What songs are on it?"

"Loki! Help me!" Eeyore suddenly shouted. One of the agents was trying to shove him into a plastic bag. With a mighty roar, Loki leaped over the table and slammed into the agent, snatching Eeyore back. The agents all were stunned, and then decided to beat Loki up because he wasn't letting them steal Eeyore. But as they tried to beat him up, Thor beat them up. Coulson watched with interest.

"Cool," he said, watching the fight. He turned to Erik. "Do you have any popcorn?"

But unfortunately, they didn't get to watch the fight and eat popcorn. Because at that moment, the bifrost descended and grabbed Loki and Thor. Pulling them away from the agents, the bifrost took them back to Asgard. Coulson turned to Erik.

"I think you lied to me."

"No, we didn't," Erik said quickly. "That's just the steroids they're on."

"Oh," Coulson said. "Okay. Well, it looks like we've got all your stuff. See you later!"

Meanwhile, back in Asgard, Frigga was waiting for Thor and Loki to return. As soon as they appeared, she threw her arms around them and hugged them tightly.

"Welcome back, boys," she exclaimed.

"Mother, this is Eeyore, isn't he the best friend I've ever had?" Loki said happily. "Eeyore, this is Asgard, my home."

"That's cool," Eeyore said. "I like it here, can we stay?"

"Of course! We'll stay forever!" Loki gushed.

Thor wasn't as happy as Loki and Eeyore to be back. "Mother, I met a woman on earth who said she was my real mother. She was lying, wasn't she?"

"Er-" Frigga bit her lip. "I am your mother, Thor, but I didn't give birth to you."

"You lied to me?" Thor wailed.

Frigga hung her head. "Yes. I lied to you. And that is why you're banished again! Loki, come back here, I'm sending you both back to earth." She hugged her sons tightly. "Goodbye, love you both!"

"Goodbye, mother!" Loki and Thor chorused as Frigga blasted them into the tangled colored lights of the bifrost.

After they were gone, Frigga contemplated what she had just done. She stretched out her arms and nodded once. "I see why Odin likes this so much!"

Just then, because it's necessary for what little semblance of plot this thing has, (even though I really do hate it when authors write into their story that they're writing a story, such as what I'm doing now,) Sif and the warriors three came running in. "My queen," Sif shouted dramatically. "Loki is a traitor! He let the Jotuns into Asgard!"

"How dare you!" Frigga screamed, ignoring proper grammar and adding far too many exclamation marks (even though this site won't allow more than one). "You're all banished!"

"What?" Sif said in confusion, but then the four of them were banished to earth.

Frigga grinned. "Let's see. Who else can I banish?"


	8. Chapter 8

Jane, Erik and Darcy were sitting on a rooftop. Jane was crying because Coulson had taken all her stuff, plus Thor was gone. Erik was trying to comfort Jane while being secretly relieved that Coulson had taken all Jane's stuff and Thor was gone, because that meant that he could go sail the seas with his immortal son Legolas, who was married to Robin Hood's daughter. Darcy was weeping openly because Coulson had taken her ipod but not her number.

Just then, the bifrost deposited Loki and Thor onto the roof.

"Thor!" Jane shouted, jumping into his arms. They started making out, and Loki covered Eeyore's eyes. He went and sat with Erik and Darcy.

"Hello, humans!" he exclaimed.

"Hello, Loki and Eeyore," Darcy said. "Can I have a hug?"

"Ew, no!" Loki said, scooting away from her.

"So what happened?" Erik asked in disappointment. He was disappointed because he wanted to go sail the seas with his immortal son Legolas, who was married to Robin Hood's daughter.

"Mother banished us again because she lied to Thor about being his birth mother," Loki replied brightly. "Isn't that right, Eeyore?"

Eeyore didn't reply.

"What's wrong with him?" Darcy asked, forgetting that she was depressed because she didn't have a man in her life, because of course that's the only thing that's worth while to girls, or at least that's what she had decided when Coulson refused to take her number. "I don't need a man in my life, I'm a strong independent woman," she decided, switching her viewpoint entirely, "and I like being single."

"That's good, even though I know that whole paragraph was just so that I could say this next line: It's a good thing that you didn't try to go after Loki, because he would be a terrible match for you," Eeyore said nastily. "He's an awful person."

"Why would I want to go out with Loki?" Darcy wondered, recoiling in disgust.

Loki was hurt. "Why do you say I'm an awful person, Eeyore? Why?"

"You're a liar!"

"When did I lie?" Loki asked, bewildered.

"You said that we would stay in Asgard forever! And now we're back on earth!"

"I'm sorry," Loki said to Eeyore, "I thought we were going to stay, but I guess it just didn't happen. Can you forgive me, buddy?"

"No," Eeyore said, and then went over to sit in Darcy's lap. "You're my best friend now. Let's bash Loki!"

"Sure!" Darcy agreed. "Have you seen his hair?"

"Yeah, I have. It's all like-"

"Now, now, don't be rude," Erik interrupted mildly. "Loki is an okay fellow, as long as you don't give him spectres."

"Thank you, Erik," Loki said. "Eeyore, I'm sorry. I really am. I promise, I didn't mean to lie."

"All right, I forgive you," Eeyore replied, punching Darcy in the nose and jumping back over to Loki.

"Why'd you punch me in the nose?" Darcy wondered, rubbing her nose.

"Because you were bashing Loki, my best friend."

"Complicated fellow, isn't he?" Erik murmured, sounding suspiciously like Volstagg talking about Hiemdall.

"I think it was Fandrel, actually," said Eeyore.

"No, it was Volstagg," Erik replied.

Eeyore shrugged and then turned to Loki. "You should know that eventually I will betray you."

Loki didn't miss a beat. "And you should know that when you betray me, I will kill you."

Eeyore smiled and nodded. "When do we start?"

"We should totally say that in the second movie," Thor interupted, talking to Loki, and then went back to making out with Jane.

Suddenly, Sif and the Warriors three were deposited onto the top of the roof. Thor and Jane stopped making out to stare in wonder at the newcomers.

"What are you doing here?" Thor asked.

"Your mother banished us," Sif explained.

"Why did Mother banish you?" Thor asked Sif and the warriors three with a puzzled look. Truth be told, he was getting a little distracted by how beautiful Jane looked with a dumbfounded expression on her face and the lights of the bifrost playing in her hair.

"Because we accused Loki of helping the Jotuns into Asgard."

Loki started to sneak off, looking wary.

"Oi!" Sif shouted. "What are you up to? Sneaking off, are we?"

That got Loki very upset. He hugged Eeyore tightly to his chest and glowered at Sif. "Sneaking? Sneaking? Fat Hobbit is always so polite. Smeagol shows them secret ways that nobody else could find and they say "sneak." _Sneak_? Very nice friend. Oh, yes, my precious. Very nice, very nice."

Sif shook her head. "All right. All right! You just startled me is all. What were you doing?"

Loki hunkered down, crouching on his tiptoes and cradling Eeyore tightly as though afraid Sif would try to steal him. "Sneaking."

"Fine. Have it your own way." Sif turned, and then stopped. "Wait a minute! I am not a fat hobbit! And you aren't Smeagol."

"We never said we was, precious," Loki sniffed.

"Yes you did!"

"No we didn't!"

"Okay, whatever!" Sif shook her head and then looked at Thor and Jane, who were making out again. She burst into tear and ran away. Volstagg, Hogun and Fandrel all glanced at each other with confused expressions.

"Something very strange is happening," Fandrel said. "I have the sudden urge to go galloping around on a horse and marry Snow White."

That was when there was a very loud whinnying on the street. They all looked down, and suddenly Svadilfari jumped up onto the roof and looked around angrily. His eyes fell on Loki and the grey horse-like creature he was clutching tightly. Svadilfari snorted, and lunged at Loki, grabbing (what he believed) his long lost son between his teeth, and galloped away.

Loki ran after the horse, sobbing. "Bring my best friend back!" he shouted, but to no avail.

Eeyore (in distance), cried "Help meeeeeee!"

**#**

**A/N Thanks to Marvel-Tolkien Fangirl who came up with Svadilfari kidnapping Eeyore!**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Sorry for the delay, but at long last here it is.**

**#**

Somewhere in the desert, Agent Phil Coulson had built a cool little mini-headquaters-base around Thor's fallen hammer. He sat at his desk, tapping his fingers as he stared at his game of solitaire. He was bored, he had to admit. He had been expecting Thor to come rushing in, beating up his men to try (and failing) to get his hammer back.

"Maybe I should have taken Darcy's number," he grumbled. "Because then I could go out with her as an excuse to tell Thor where his hammer is."

"Sir?" a fellow agent came waltzing into the office, which was very unprofessional and would get him fired in a week, at which time he would enter a ballroom dancing competition, win, and become a world-famous dancer until he slipped on some ice and hallucinate about that movie about Richard Gere and Jennifer Lopez and never dance or watch movies with Richard Gere and Jennifer Lopez again.

"What?" Coulson demanded, closing solitaire, hoping that the agent didn't see that he was playing a computer game instead of working.

"There's a young lady outside who wants to talk with you."

Coulson gasped in terror, flinging himself under his desk. "She found me!"

"It's not Darcy."

"Oh." Coulson calmed himself down and then went to see who this young lady was. She was dark-haired, tall, and appeared to be wearing battle armour. Her eyes were also very red and puffy, as though she had been crying. "Er- Hi."

"Hello, are you Agent Coulson?" the woman asked.

"Yep. Who are you?"

"I'm Sif."

"Cool. Who's Sif?"

"I am."

"Well, yeah, but why is that significant?"

Sif stared at him. "How is it not significant? I'm a Norse goddess!"

Coulson nodded. "Right. Well, what can I do for you, my lady?"

"Thor's found a mortal woman that he's fallen in love with, so I decided to find a mortal man to fall in love with," Sif explained. "And you're pretty much the most awesome mortal man on the planet, so how about it? Would you like to fall in love with a beautiful Norse goddess who can also, incidentally, hold her own in a battle?"

Coulson felt his heart flutter and his knees grow weak. He loved women who could kick butt. "You're not just saying all this just to make Thor jealous, are you?"

"What?" Sif asked, confused. "Why would I do that? I'm above such pettiness, son of Coul."

"All right," Coulson agreed readily. "Let's fall in love!"

Sif smiled happily, and then they held hands and went dancing through daisy fields, carved their names into tree trunks with hearts around them, painted murals of each other, and all the rest of that sappy romantic stuff that they montage in movies. When they were finished falling in love, they went to Vegas.

Meanwhile, in Asgard, Frigga was stalking the palace hallways, her eyes sharp as she looked at the servants and other gods/goddesses. Finally, she came upon a bunch of the younger ones playing poker, and studied them for a moment.

"Lady Freya, I need to talk to you," she announced, and the blonde goddess who was Lady Freya stood up.

"Yes, my queen?"

"That dress is entirely inappropriate. You are hereby exiled until you develop a proper sense of fashion."

Freya frowned, looking down at her low-cut dress with the thigh-high slit in the skirt and the midriff-bearing cut outs. "What's wrong with blue? It goes with my eyes."

"I cast you out!" Frigga shouted, blasting the goddess into the mini-bifrost-portal-thing that Frigga had had made just for this purpose. After Freya was gone, the queen turned to the other young Asgardians. "Does anybody have anything to say to me?"

They young Asgardians, staring at her fearfully, shook their heads.

"And you are all banished for not defending Freya after I banished her for such a ridiculous reason!" Frigga shouted triumphantly, a wild gleam in her eyes. "I cast you out!"

A guard suddenly came running in. "My queen, Hiemdall says that-"

"How dare you interrupt me while I'm exiling people! You are banished!" A butterfly fluttered in through the window, as Frigga banished everybody in the room, and she glared at it. "You are so fluttery. I exile you from Asgard! And you, chair, you just sit there staring at me without any eyes! I cast you out!"

Returning again to earth, Coulson and Sif came back from Vegas just in time to see that Frigga had banished almost everybody from Asgard to earth. They stared in dismay for a moment, and then shrugged. Thor and Jane were still making out.

"Hey everybody," Coulson shouted to be heard over the din. "Guess what?"

"I love guessing games!" Loki cried in delight, and he and Eeyore came running over. "You got a new suit."

"No," Coulson said.

"You got a haircut!" Eeyore guessed.

"No," Sif said. She and Coulson held up their hands, where their new shiny rings could be seen.

"You had your hands sewn together!" Loki and Eeyore cried at the same time, Loki in horror, Eeyore in delight. He's a bit of a sadistic donkey like that.

"No!" Coulson and Sif shouted together. "We've gotten married!"

"That's disappointing," said Eeyore.

"Wait a minute!" Coulson said. "I thought Eeyore was kidnapped in the last chapter. What's he doing back here?"

"Plot hole," Loki informed him.

"This thing has a plot?" Darcy asked.

Eeyore was stunned. "Are you trying to tell me that we're fictional?"

"Well, buddy, you were fictional long before this fic. Haven't you ever heard of Winnie the Pooh?" Loki replied.

"Winnie the WHAT?"

Loki turned away and started wandering through the masses of banished Asgardians. "Hey, has anybody seen Sigyn?"

"I did!" Freya said as she tried on some new clothes (yes, in the middle of public. But don't worry, there was no nudity because she had put together a curtained changing booth first).

"Great!" Loki gushed. "Where is she?"

"She's still in Asgard. Your mother didn't want to banish her just yet."

"Oh." Loki sniffed sadly.

"There, there," Eeyore said, patting Loki's shoulder, forgetting that he was associated with bowl movements. "You can trick Sigyn into marrying you soon enough."

"But I want to marry her now!" Loki whined. "Coulson and Sif have gotten married, Thor and Jane are making out. I don't have a girlfriend to love."

"Jord is still available," Eeyore pointed out.

"Not for me," Loki said firmly. "And don't you dare even think about Darcy. She's creepy."

"I am not!" Darcy said. "Besides that, I'm too busy flirting with Hogan. Well, flirting at Hogan. He won't flirt back, will you darling?"

"You're spelling my name wrong," Hogun replied.

"Ok. I'll get a dictionary, then," Darcy said, skipping off.

"And I'll go hide," Hogun muttered, hiding.

"IT'S TRYING TO EAT ME!" Volstagg suddenly shouted, running through the crowd, being chased by a turkey.

"How do you figure that?" Erik asked.

"It keeps saying 'gobble gobble'" Volstagg explained. "Back! Back, foul creature!"

The turkey looked offended and wandered off.

"I think I'd better go hide from all the crazies, too," Erik muttered, hiding with Hogun. They started to play a game of poker and that's a good place to end this chapter.


	10. Chapter 10

Laufey looked at the giant catapult that he had commissioned Jon-Bob to build. He viewed the ropes and planks skeptically, circling it with a critical eye. It looked like it was just about decrepit enough to fall apart. Of course, if they were in a lame movie or a cartoon or a badly written crackfic, it would have just enough in it to send one Jotun to Earth.

"Can I go?" Jon-Bob said, strapping on a pair of skis.

"Why are you wearing skis?" Laufey asked him.

"To ski. Duh."

Laufey felt very embarrassed. "Right. Of course. No, you can't go. I'm going to go to earth and find my little boy!"

"He certainly is little," a nearby Frost Giant snickered, and so Laufey shoved a sock in his mouth and drop-kicked him off the ledge.

"You have to stop doing that," Jon-Bob advised. "It was funny enough to begin with, but now it's just getting annoying."

Jon-Bob then had to run away as Laufey came at him with a sock. Laufey glared at the rest of his lackies, and squeezed the sock threateningly. "Does anybody else wish to make a statement?"

Nobody did, and so Laufey put his sock back on and climbed into the giant catapult. "All right, I'm off to earth to find my little boy and convince him to be king of Asgard so that I can kill Odin and Thor, and then marry Frigga and everything will be happy and good and why are you all staring at me like that, cut the stupid rope and send me on my-"

Before he could finish his sentence, a frost giant cut the rope and the catapult flung Laufey far, far away. And while Laufey was flying though the cosmos, the catapult collapsed and all the frost giants started partying.

Laufey, meanwhile, was not finding his journey pleasant. There was a couple with a baby behind him, and the parents screamed the entire time while the baby tried to calm them down to no avail. Turbulence bucked him around, and the flight attendants that the Peanuts served were far too salty. Laufey was hungry, though, so he ate them all.

"When is this flight going to be over?" he moaned.

"Well, if you're bored, I can go get the cutest piano player ever to entertain you," Lucy Van Pelt replied.

"No, thanks," Laufey sighed. "I don't like pianos."

"You blockhead!" Lucy snapped angrily, stalking away.

Laufey checked his watch and then decided to take a nap. He twisted and turned, trying to get comfortable, but the area was so cramped that he just couldn't. When he finally decided just to lean back against the seat and close his eyes, hoping not to drool, he suddenly landed face-first into a planet. As he stood up, he rubbed his nose.

"Ouch," he muttered, and then stood and brushed off his arms. He looked up to see all of Asgard staring at him. He scratched his head, confused. "I thought I was aimed at earth."

"You are on earth," a man in a suit replied. "I'm Agent Phil Coulson, do you have any unregistered weapons on your person?"

"I don't think so," Laufey said, "but if this is earth, why are all these Asgardians here?"

Just then the bifrost deposited a sleeping Odin right beside Laufey. Pinned on Odin's blankets was a note that read "Exiled from the Realm Eternal, the kingdom of Asgard, for sleeping too much and for banishing Thor and Loki without letting me say goodbye." it was signed "Frigga, Queen and Exiler of Asgard."

"Mom's gone on a banishing binge," Thor explained to Laufey. "Why are you here?"

"Oh, to kill you and your father to put my son on the throne of Asgard," Laufey replied.

"Good luck with that!" Loki shouted from the back of the room. "I hate you! If you kill Thor and Odin and try to make me king of Asgard, I'll name Eeyore my heir and abdicate the throne!"

"Who's Eeyore?" Laufey asked in confusion.

"I am," Loki said in a melancholy voice, holding up a stuffed toy donkey. He manipulated the toy as though it was the one talking. "And I'd love to be king, but I don't think Loki would be happy with me if I encouraged you to kill his father and brother, so I'm not going to, because he's my best friend." Loki hugged the toy close to his chest. "You're my best friend, too, buddy."

"I'm confused," Laufey said, scratching his head again.

"Don't worry, it makes sense if you read the rest of the fanfic," Coulson said, handing him a copy. Laufey put on his reading glasses and read through it. He gasped in horror at the end.

"What? We all get taken back to Asgard, where I step on Eeyore and Loki kills me and then jumps off the rainbow bridge into the abyss?"

Coulson snatched the fanfic back. "You idiot, you're not supposed to read ahead! Now that you know what's going to happen, it's bound to change!"

"Husband, I don't think that we should allow this frost giant to stick around," Sif said, twining her hands into Coulson's.

"What would you have me do, wife?" Coulson asked.

"Let's eat him!" Volstagg shouted, and his turkey pal said "Gobble gobble!"

Laufey swallowed nervously. "Now, here, let's just think about this-"

He took a step back, tripping over Odin and falling down. Luckily for him, there was somebody behind him that just happened to be strong enough to catch him. He turned his head to see who it was, and his blood-red eyes met starry blue ones. His heart leapt to his throat and his head swam. It was the most beautiful tiny woman he had ever seen, except for Frigga. Her hair was long and blonde, and she gazed at him with the same wonder as he gazed at her.

"You are the most ugly frost giant I have ever seen, except Jon-Bob," the woman breathed.

"I'm Laufey, king of Jotunheim," Laufey sighed, "Will you marry me?"

"I'm Jord, and of course I'll marry you," Jord replied.

"All right, that's a little disturbing," Darcy said, frowning. "You guys just barely met."

Laufey and Jord refused to look away from each other, and they answered in unison. "Maybe it is a little disturbing, but it wraps things up really beautifully, don't you think? Now that we've found true love, Laufey (I) won't be going after Thor and Odin to put Loki on the throne of Asgard and Jord (I) will- well, there's no good reason for Jord (me) to marry Laufey (me), is there? But that's okay, because she (I) loves him (me)."

"Hey, you know what this means?" Loki exclaimed, running over to join Thor. "Since my dad and your mom are gonna get married, we're not only adopted brothers, but step brothers as well!"

"Yippee!" Everybody shouted and partied while Jord and Laufey quickly went to Vegas and got married in the same wedding chapel that Sif and Coulson had gotten married in.

"Look at that," Coulson said. "The ending of this fic has changed after all!"

Just then, Odin woke up. He yawned, stretched and looked around at the gathering. "My mouth tastes like old carpet," he announced, and then stood up. "Well, this all seems very strange. What happened?"


	11. Chapter 11

Thor, Loki and Eeyore took turns explaining to Odin everything that had happened since he had banished them. Odin was a wonderful listener, only ignoring them for 75% of the tale while he played Angry Birds on his iphone. When they were done, he nodded once.

"All right, this all seems to have worked out to a nice concluditory place, so let's go back to Asgard."

"Excuse me, I want to go back to Jotunheim. With my lovely wife," Laufey took Jord's hand and smiled sappily at her. She smiled sappily back, withdrew her hand and slapped his hard across the face.

"I'm not leaving earth, my love!" she shouted.

"Darling, you're being irrational!" Laufey screamed. "I can't stay on earth, my throne is on Jotunheim!"

"You're a jerk, honey-bunch!"

"You're stupid, lovey-dovey!"

"I hate you, beloved husband!"

"And I hate you, beloved wife!"

Jord and Laufey glared at each other for a long moment, and then ran into each other's arms, and gave each other a long, passionate farewell kiss. "I hope I never have to see your beautiful face again," Laufey crooned.

"And I, your ugly mug!" Jord whispered, blinking back tears.

And with that touching farewell between newly married husband and wife, Laufey stuffed a sock into his own mouth and drop-kicked himself off the edge of a cliff, all the way back to Jotunheim. When he landed, all the frost giants hurriedly put their party stuff away and tried to look happy that Laufey was back. But just as Laufey was about to give a speech about how good it was to be home, Jon-Bob slipped on some ice and spilled some sort of liquid on Laufey.

"You cursed brat, look what you've done!" Laufey screeched, and he started to shrink. "I'm melting! Melting! Oh, what a world! What a world! Who would have thought that a little girl like you could destroy my beautiful, wicked-"

"I'm a boy," Jon-Bob interrupted, and as a result Laufey wasn't able to finish before he completely melted away and was gone forever.

A winged monkey poked at Laufey's remaining clothes.

"He's- He's dead!" a nearby frost giant exclaimed.

"I didn't mean to!" Jon-Bob said, and then stopped for a moment. "You know what, I did mean to!"

"Great idea! Who needs a king?" a frost giant said, and then they all started to run in a circle, singing "No king, no king, fa-la-la-la-la!"

"Idiots!" Jon-Bob sneered. "We have a king!"

"But you said-"

"I have killed Laufey and now I take the throne of Jotunheim! I am your king! Stick with me, and you'll never go hungry again! Besides," Jon-Bob continued, seeing that he was losing his audience, "I hereby banish socks from the realm of Jotunheim."

There was a collective gasp from the gathered frost giants. If there were no socks in the realm, that meant that they would never again have a sock stuffed into their mouth and be drop-kicked off the edge of a cliff! As this knowledge sank into them, they sent up a cheer and brought Jon-Bob a crown, a cape and threw flowers at him.

"Hail Jon-Bob!" they shouted. "Hail Jon-Bob!"

Now, while Jon-Bob bathes in the glory of his newly found kingship, we will return to earth, where Odin had decreed that all the Asgardians were going back to Asgard. With Coulson's help, Thor had gotten his hammer back and was all dressed up in his armour again, because apparently he was worthy again. Loki, on the other hand, had never lost his powers, despite what was shown in earlier chapters, and merely magicked his Asgardian clothes back.

"All right, is everybody ready to go?" Odin asked loudly as everybody ignored him. Freya had decided on new clothes. It was a red bikini, but since the color went so well with her hair nobody could call it inappropriate. Loki hid Eeyore under his shirt to smuggle him back with them, and Thor and Jane were standing some distance away, clutching at each other's hands and staring tearfully in each other's eyes.

"I must go," Thor said, "but I give you my word, I will return for you." He kissed her hand. "Deal?"

Jane launched herself at him, kissing him in a manner that made everybody turned their back and whisper disapprovingly behind their hands. When Jane was finished kissing him, she pulled back.

"Deal," she said.

"Whoa," Thor said, dazed. He grinned like a fool and then wandered over to join Odin and Loki. "Ready to go home now."

"I'm not going!" Sif suddenly shouted. Everybody jumped and turned to look at her. "You heard me! I'm not leaving! I'm a married woman and I will stay with my husband, forever and ever."

It was at that moment that the dude who performed Sif and Coulson's marriage at the wedding chapel in Vegas showed up. He swaggered up to Coulson and Sif and grinned in a very mean, almost evil manner.

"You're not married."

"What?" Coulson gasped in horror.

The dude's grin widened. "We're not a registered wedding chapel."

Sif turned to Coulson in horror. "You lied to me?"

"No, I didn't know."

"You're Earthian, how could you not know?"

Emma tapped Sif on the shoulder. "Excuse me, I think Midgardian sounds better than Earthian."

"True," Sif agreed with a nod, "but if you think about it, you guys say that this is Earth, and we say that it's Midgard. Shouldn't we actually call it by the name that it's inhabitants want it to be called? Putting our own name on an already-named place, or saying that our name for you is better than your name for yourself isn't very nice."

"All right," Coulson said before Emma could reply, "I think I've got this whole wedding thing sorted out- THERE'S A WRINKLE IN MY SUIT!"

"What?" Sif looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

"WRINKLE!" Coulson shrieked. "IRON, MUST FIND IRON!"

And with that, he ran away before he could explain to Sif what had really happened, leaving Sif with no choice but to blame him for their false wedding and so she vowed she would never marry him again and joined the rest of the Asgardians to go back to Asgard because staying on earth was just too painful after her heartbreak.

"I love you," she whispered as all the Asgardians were sucked back up through the sky to Asgard.

Once there, everybody dispersed except for Odin, Loki and Thor.

"Well, that was fun," Loki said, grinning. "Now, I really must go back to my room."

"Hold on there!" Odin said sternly. "What have you got in your pocket?"

"Not the one ring!" Loki cried instantly.

Odin's one eye narrowed suspiciously. "Empty your pockets, young man!"

Reluctantly, Loki took Eeyore out from his pocket, despite the fact that he had been hiding under his shirt.

"Don't send me away," Eeyore pleaded. "Loki's my best friend."

"Loki, this is madness!" Thor exclaimed, shaking his head as he looked at the stuffed donkey.

"IS this madness?" Loki snapped back. "Is it?"

"Oh, come on!" Odin shook his head in disappointment. "What happened on earth to turn you so soft? Don't tell me that it was that donkey!"

"Well, there are connotations there that I don't want to go anywhere near," Eeyore muttered.

Loki hid Eeyore behind his back. "Thor, you're my brother and my friend. Help me out here, will you?"

"I miss Jane," Thor sighed.

Loki rolled his eyes. "A lot of help you are, bud."

"Loki, you are too old to play with toys. It's time for you to grow up!" Odin exclaimed angrily. And with that, he marched over to Loki, grabbed Eeyore and threw him over the edge of the rainbow bridge. Loki screamed in agony, falling to his knees.

"Eeyore!" he shouted, stretching his hand after his falling friend. And, from the depth of the abyss, there came a small voice. "Don't forget me."

Thor sadly put his hand on Loki's shoulder. "It's over."

Loki stared up at him. "No, it's not over. It's just begun!"

"No, Loki," Odin said. "It's over."

Loki stood and prepared to dive off the bridge.

"Loki, no!" Thor cried, and then got distracted by remembering the kiss that Jane had given him.

Loki did a perfect swan dive off of the bridge. Odin gave him a 5.6 out of a possible 10, and Thor shouted a long "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooo!" Until Odin smacked him over the head and told him to stop being so dramatic. And then they went back to the palace, where there was a big feast going on and nobody cared that Loki had dived into the abyss, which is very sad but not so different from the movie, depending on your point of view.

Now, to tie things up in one massive paragraph that may feel a little rushed, Frigga reluctantly handed power back over to Odin, but on the condition that she could banish somebody every other week. Everybody liked Freya's new style, except for Freya, who still preferred blue to red. Coulson gave Jane back her stuff and then spent a week lying in bed watching soaps and eating chocolate because he missed Sif, until he heard that Captain America had been found frozen in the ice and then he forgot all about Sif and got his collection of Captain America trading cards and went and watch Steve as he slept, being a little bit of a creepy stalker but that's okay because he's Coulson and Coulson is awesome. Darcy got her ipod back and was perfectly happy. Sif was very sad for a couple of days, missing Coulson, until she remembered that she was head over heels in love with Thor and then she stopped moping. Jon-Bob was a wise, just king of Jotunheim, and he never flirted with Frigga, although a lot of frost giants lost their toes to frostbite because they didn't have socks anymore. Even Spider-horse got a happy ending, being reunited with his dad, although his mom would soon be trying to take over the earth with an army of chitauri.

As for Loki... Well, he was able to find Eeyore again, but only after his best friend was a prisoner of the Mad Titan, and that's where we get this final epilogueish scene from.

Nick Fury opened up a briefcase to show the tesseract to Erik Selvig. Erik looked at the tesseract for a moment, and then a shadowy image of Loki, Eeyore perched on his shoulder, appeared in a nearby pane of window.

"We can use that," Loki said with a smirk.

"Loki!" Erik exclaimed. "What are you doing in the window?"

"Er- I'm not here," Loki replied.

"Yes you are."

"No he's not," Eeyore said.

"Oh." Erik shrugged, and then looked at Fury. "We can use that!"

THE END OF CRACKED THOR


End file.
